starting the conversation

when someone tells you that they have been subjected to sexual violence & abuse, this can be quite an overwhelming thing to hear. you may be wondering what you should say. if a loved one opens up to you about this, it is likely that they love & trust you. take a deep breath & try your best to remain present. here is some guidance on how to start the conversation.

be supportive - it is important that you help us understand that you are here for us. let us know that it is not our fault that we have been subjected to sexual violence or abuse. try your best to reassure us that we do not need to feel ashamed or blame ourselves for what happened.
be present - you may be worrying about the next steps but try to focus on listening to us. make sure that we are able to express what we need to say. it may help if we have the conversation in a quiet & familiar place where we both feel comfortable & won't be disturbed.
be empathetic - let us know that you believe us & tell us that whatever we feel is okay. tell us that you understand that we have been through a very difficult & traumatic experience. recognise the sheer courage that it takes to start this conversation.

here are some ideas on what you could say

i am very proud of you for telling me this. you have been extremely brave. i understand that this must have been very difficult for you.

i want you to understand that i am here to support you no matter what. i love you & we are in this together. this doesn't change how I think about you

i'm sorry that this happened. please know that there is nothing you need to be ashamed of. this was not your fault at all.

i believe you. it is absolutely okay to feel the way you feel. all your feelings are valid.

i am here & i am ready to listen. i will be present/be with you as long as you need. you are not alone.

is this a place where you feel comfortable having this conversation? if not, let's go home/to the living room/a quiet place etc.

if you'd like to find out about the ways in which the individual subjected to sexual violence & abuse might start this conversation with you, check on our resource on starting the conversation.

next: do i need to tell anyone