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support circle
what should i say?
please remember that there is absolutely no right or wrong thing to say. what you are going to say will depend on the person that you are supporting. of course, this is easier if you have a close relationship with the individual. even then, everyone finds it difficult to have conversations like these. here is some general guidance on what to say. that being said, its probably best to ask us what we are comfortable hearing.
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do...
say that you believe us - telling someone that we have been subjected to sexual violence & abuse can be extremely difficult. knowing that you believe us makes us feel that our experiences & feelings are valid.
listen - allow us to say what we need to say in our own time. please don't interrupt us so that feel that what we are saying is important. try your best to be empathetic & non-judgemental.
remind us that it is not our fault - tell us that we are not to blame. no one ever deserves to be subjected to sexual violence & abuse.
use the same language that we use - sometimes we are not yet ready to name the violence we have experienced. using terminology that aligns with us will help us feel more comfortable.
say that you are proud of us - these are difficult conversations to have. the sheer courage it takes to share this with another human being must be recognised & praised.
empower us - remind us that we do have control of the situation. tell us that we are more than capable of healing & that you believe in us.
good phrases to use
"i am very sorry to hear what you've been through."
"i believe you."
"thank you for trusting me with this"
"i am here to support you with anything you need."
"is there anything that i can do to help you at all?"
"this is not your fault"
"this took a look of courage."
"i'm proud of you."
don't...
pressure us - it may be that we are uncomfortable with sharing certain details or doing certain things. please allow us to speak our own truth in our own time.
tell us what to do - we may appreciate you exploring options with us but we need to be in control of our own healing experience. please let us do things only if & when we feel ready.
ask us why we have not done anything about it - being subjected to sexual violence & abuse can be an extremely scary experience. we may not feel like we can trust a lot of people.
make us feel responsible - no one deserves sexual violence & abuse. the responsibility lies with the perpetrator, not us. it is also not our duty to make sure that this hasn't happened to anyone else.
tell anyone else (unless we are under 18 years old) - don't tell your other friends & family about the details that we have disclosed without our permission. we have trusted you with this & will likely want some privacy. if the case of protecting a child, only share information with a limited number of relevant professionals.
tell us that we need to forget about it - sometimes a traumatic event may have happened a long time ago. however, it can take a long time to process things & heal. some people may also try & forget as part of the healing process. they may have tried to tell someone about it long time ago but were not believed or ignored. it might also be that they had been unable to describe what happened until now.
phrases to avoid
"i think that this is what you should do."
"this happened a long time ago. why does it suddenly bother you now?"
"next time you should be more careful about the way you dress/walking alone in the dark/going to a certain place."
"you need to report this so that it doesn't happen to anyone else."
"is there something that you're not telling me?"
"that can't have happened. they're not the kind of person to do something like this."
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