support circle
what happens if i upset them?
we know that it is never your intention to upset a loved one who has been subjected to sexual violence & abuse. however, even when we take special care of the things we say, we may still make people sad, angry or hurt. we may react to what you said very outwardly. for example, by crying or shouting. it is also possible that we might withdraw & distance ourselves from you. please know that we don't mean to shut you out. we just have a lot going on for us right now.
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what's going on for us?
it is totally normal for the individual subjected to sexual violence & abuse to feel upset, distressed and triggered. This is because in order for you to support us, we have to discuss extremely distressing memories with you. The continual re-telling our story may be trauma inducing rather than reducing. although some people may want to tell their story, we don’t believe this is mandatory that recovery & healing depends on it.
you're only human
we know that you never intended to hurt us. you only wanted to help & you couldn't have known that what you said might have upset us. please have some compassion for yourself. we may be going through severe trauma & lots of confusing emotions. weare bound to feel more sensitive & triggered towards certain things. you did your very best. its difficult to go through life without upsetting people. we maybe upset & angry right now but we recognise that you were trying to help & we greatly appreciate your support. you are not a bad person. you are someone with a good heart. you are enough.
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what should i do?
apologise
let us know that you recognise that you've made a mistake & truly regret that you've upset us.
i'm very sorry that what i said upset you. i really did not mean to hurt you. im promise that i won't say anything like that again
i'm very sorry. the last thing i wanted to do was to upset you. i really wish that i hadn't said that. i made a mistake.
ask if we would like to talk about it
give us an opportunity to express our hurt and upset. we might want to explain why. this will also help you understand why what you said has triggered us. listen to us & try your best not to become defensive.
would you be able to tell me/explain to me why what i said has upset you? i want to understand so that i can make sure not to say something similar next time.
i am here to listen & will try my best to understand. i know that you are going through something difficult right now. i would like you to tell me how best i can support you.
give them space
if we don't want to talk about it now or ask for some space, honour our feelings & give us what we need. sometimes its better to have a difficult conversation another time.
i hear that you want some space/want to be alone right now. would you like to talk about this another time? please know that i am always here for a chat anytime you want in the future.
i hope that this hasn't destroyed our friendship/relationship/family bond. i love you & i will do my best to listen so i can understand things better.
most importantly...
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